Pumpkins Don’t Have Ankles

My friend Mike D (of Ticket Poetry fame) and I were discussing some of our old Gmail chats, and I thought this one was funny enough to post.

(please keep in mind that it was pretty late in the evening when we wrote this)

me
call out the st. bernards. tell them it’s a code mauve

Mike
we may have to awaken the Great Orangatan

me
oh great. I hope he’s had his shots this time

Mike
yes. all forty two of them

me
wow. so he must be grumpy. I know I am when I’ve had my 42 shots

Mike: yeah
I’m listening to Horowitz play Prokofiev. and the marmosets are dancing

me
I had killer hiccups earlier today and I was stranded in my car because of a lightning storm and I couldn’t get to any water and I had like 20 minutes of straight hiccupping and now I’m exhausted.

Mike
wow. you could probably be in a Reader’s Digest Drama in Real Life: “Hiccups on the Highway”

me
I’m sure people would be inspired

Mike
with like this scary picture of a lone car with lightening all around it and a picture of you emerging from your car after the storm looking pale and wan
we can do the pale and wan in makeup
we can’t do the storm in makeup though

me
and the horror of getting to my destination and not being able to find a water fountain and thus having to pay a dollar for a bottle of water because I was desperate! But the cashier was nice. I think he took pity on my hiccupping self. we can do horror makeup for that part

Mike
I’ll interview him. he’ll get a thumbnail picture

Mike
and you could tell them about my hit new musical
Les Miserables II: The Inexplicable Return of Javert

me
Hamlet II: All the Main Characters Are Still Dead

Mike
and The Sound of Music II: The Hills Are Still Alive

me
La Boheme II: Everyone is Still Depressed, and Still Very French

Mike
Much Ado about Nothing II: Still More Ado About Less Than Nothing

me
Titus Andronicus II: Don’t Even Go There

Mike
Rigoletto II: Never Mind–Just When You Thought it Couldn’t Get More Depressing

me
Turandot II: Turns Out She’s Still Mean, Plus Obnoxious to Live With

Mike
Great Expectations II: Realistic Expectations

me
Cats II: More People Dressed Up Like Cats

Ever find yourself behaving just the slightest bit oddly, but aren’t exactly sure why? For example, when I go to Publix (which is my favorite supermarket, by the way), I find myself taking a long and convoluted route through aisles. I have to stop myself and ask why exactly I’m doing that. And the answer is—to my surprise—I’m avoiding the Free-Sample People.

The friendly Free-Sample People are going to talk to me. Exchange pleasantries. And maybe give me some free food. And for some reason, no matter how good their chicken-salad-in-a-cup looks, I am terrified of the prospect of this.

OK, so maybe terrified is a strong word. But it is interesting to stop and analyze some of these mild, irrational—and often downright hilarious—fears.

A few other hidden fears I’ve recently identified include, but are not limited to:

Opening my trunk and finding a dead body inside. Not that I have any idea of how it’s going to get in there. But some nights I have seriously considered opening it just to make sure … and then I chicken out and don’t even look.

Running over furniture in the road. This actually happened to me once!

Sponges. You know, the damp sponge that’s been sitting in the sink for two weeks, growing bacterial colonies—yea, bacterial empires—as we speak? The one we rub all over our dishes to “clean” them? I’m afraid to even touch the thing.

A rabid fox jumping from out of a hedge and biting my ankles. Oddly enough, at one point this was actually a possibility, since there was such a fox running loose near where I worked. But the animal control people later said the fox died. Or did it??

Stuff in unmarked Tupperware in the back of the fridge. OK, this is a rational fear. You ever open one of those??

Going out shopping and then looking down to find I have forgotten to wear pants. (OK, surely I’m not the only one who’s afraid of this!)

So … what are you afraid of?

On the last night of our family vacation in Hilton Head, we ate at the Grumpy Grouper Grille. We wanted to go just because it was called the Grumpy Grouper Grille. The food was good, too, though in my opinion the mascot wasn’t nearly grumpy enough.

This has gotten me to thinking about other cleverly named restaurants. These include:

• Crazy Crab
• Catch 22  (they serve seafood)
• Dairy Godmother
• Mellow Mushroom (a totally groovy pizza place)
• Brew and Ewe (A personal favorite. It sells coffee and wool products. Get it? Brew and Ewe … like sheep? because they have wool? Well, anyway, I like it a lot.)
• China (a little Chinese take-out place on Wade Hampton Blvd. Actually, the name lacks cleverness, but it’s really fun to say you’re going to China for lunch.)
• Pho’ Noodleville (I thought my friend was pulling my leg when she suggested we go here. I was convinced that couldn’t actually be a real place. But it was, and it was my first taste of Vietnamese food. It was great!)
• FiggyWhigs Cupcakes
• Thai Sky
• West End Chicken & Waffles (they served fried chicken on top of waffles. We tried to go. I was going to write all about it on this very blog! But WEC&W was MIA. Apparently it closed down and left its sign up. Or maybe it never existed in the first place …)

My sisters and my friends and I have had some pretty sweet ideas for restaurant chains ourselves. These include:

The Blue Noodle
This is Amy’s idea for an Italian restaurant. And yes, it would serve blue noodles. With red sauce. And white Parmesan on top. Yum … patriotic!

The Onion Garden
My friend Cajun Mike and I thought of this one. Menu items include:

• Dij’onions (onion rings with Dijon mustard sauce)
• Caj’unions (onion rings with cayenne pepper and other Louisiana spices)
• Cinnam’unions (use your imagination)
• And the ever-popular Onion Milkshake—OK, you can turn your imagination off for this one.

The brilliant secret to the Onion Garden is that the restaurant itself is not the main source of income. All profits are made through the breath mint stand on the way out.

The Tastee Taco
Just imagine that it’s about 2 a.m. in the middle of nowhere. You pull up to a little taco shack with faded yellow stucco and a peeling stripe of aqua paint. The neon “Tastee Taco” sign is flickering, and as you pull your car into park, a small creature—perhaps a possum or an armadillo—runs out of the kitchen. This is the ideal ambiance for the Tastee Taco.

This brings me to the crème de la crème of our restaurant ideas:

Steak & Crackers
Steak & Crackers has been the subject of much discussion between me and my sister Becky. There is much to say about it. Here are some of the highlights:

• It plays only elevator music, performed by a live Elevator Music Orchestra. It’s conducted by a bellhop, and the stage rises several stories and then comes back down as the band plays.
• It will be the only place you can order a porterhouse with a side of Ritz or a filet mignon with graham crackers.

Other menu items include:

• Death By Vanilla, a tastee dessert
• Trucha En La Ducha (literally, “Trout in the Shower”)
• Chicken Chalupa
• Chicken Chalupa with Cheese
• Chicken Chalupa with Cheese and Chocolate
• Chunky Chicken Chalupa with Cheese and Chocolate, and so forth

I know, I know, we really are brilliant. One day we’re going to make a ton of money in the restaurant business, you’ll see. If only we knew how to cook.

On Tuesday night some of my friends and I gathered to watch Cutthroat Island, a 1995 pirate film that won a place in the Guiness Book of World Records*

My friend recommended it because it has one of the most highly-acclaimed soundtrack scores in film history.

Watching the film itself was an experience like none other. I would love to meet the writers and ask them a few questions about how they came up with the plot and characters. I’m sure it would be a very enlightening conversation.

For those of you who haven’t seen this film, the plot has a major twist (just one): The main pirate is a woman.

Isn’t that clever?

Now, don’t worry, the filmmakers don’t actually explore too many angles for this situation. They know better than to bog down a straightforward plot by making the main character have to use feminine wit or a brains-over-brawn approach for the rest of the characters, who are all male.

Nope, the filmmakers respected their agenda too much to do anything like that. So besides the times where Morgan uses her femininity for, um, provocative purposes, she acts just like a man. She thinks like a man, drinks like a man, punches pirates in the face like a man, etc. Now that’s attractive!

Some people might find it hard to find anything likeable about Lady Pirate Morgan. I’m not sure why. She has a clear and simple goal (get this—she wants to find treasure) and doesn’t let other aspirations or motivations mix in with that. She has a way of using people to get what she wants, which I find kind of endearing. I think the most compelling reason to root for her, though, is because when she is finding treasure or fighting battles or whatever, she has really nice hair.

She’s also indestructible. She survives falling out of a crow’s nest and still wins the duel. She falls a hundred feet onto a rocky shore and sustains only an injury to her eyebrow. As the ever-eloquent Matthew Modine character observes, “You are much more active than other women I’ve met!” (Don’t worry, that line made just about as much sense in context.)

Oh, there is so much to learn from this film. You learn about good military tactics. For example, if you are on a ship in port and you see a pirate fleeing along the dock, it’s good practice to fire all of your canons toward her, right at the city. The civilians can just get out of the way.

We also learn that when solid cannonballs hit stone buildings, they cause great fiery explosions.

And even though an explosion blows a ship to smithereens, treasure boxes will remain intact as they sink to the bottom of the sea. Two pirates, one of whom has just fallen from a crow’s nest, can easily swim to the bottom of the ocean and pull all the treasure back up.

Easy to see why this movie won an award, huh?  I admit I may have missed some finer points of the plot with all of the derisive laughter and snide remarks that were for some reason were going on all around the room. Some of the less appreciative among us were hoping that one of the impossible falls would actually kill the main characters so that the producers would be forced to end the movie early.

Not sure why. After all, Cutthroat Island features such a strong, sympathetic and just plain likeable character, with great acting skills. Of course I am referring to my favorite character of the film—King Charles the monkey.

* from the Wikipedia article: “The movie is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the biggest box office flop of all time.”

But the soundtrack is still good.

The neon sign is supposed to say “Hot Doughnuts,” but some of the lights have gone out.

So now it just says “Hot Doug,” which sounds like something you might exclaim when you are surprised, as in: “Well, I’ll be. You mean t’say we jist done won a lifetime supply of Squeezy Cheese? Hot Doug!”

I confess, sometimes now when I drive by the Krispy Kreme, I shout out loud: Hot Doug!!

I suppose that makes me a dork, but since I’m the only one riding in my car at the time, no one knows about it but me.

Me and all of you people.

Hot Doug!

How many ways can you say “Let’s meet for lunch at 12:10 in the cafeteria?” Well, for me and my Monday-Wednesday lunch buddies, we’ve turned the mundane task of checking who will show up for lunch into an art. Here is just a sample of some of the emails that have traveled across campus this summer:

May 11. Subject: lunch?

EMILY:
do any of you fabulous people have lunch plans on this first Monday of summer?
How does 11:45 sound?

BUDA:
sounds like a good plan, I’ll find you in the big place after I finish my heist at the business office.

EMILY:
If you need a getaway driver, just let me know.

May 14. Subject: noon-ten

EMILY:
Hi the Cat
if you are looking for lunch buddies, Mel & Co. and me will be eating at noon-ten.

THE CAT:
kay. I’ll be lobbying. I mean waiting in the lobby.

EMILY:
Creative Services can provide you with nice picket signs for all of
your lobbying needs

May 27. Subject: Lunch?!

EMILY:
At, the Dining Common?? At 12!!

Its” Abuse Punctuation Day!!

BUDA:
are you, serious! I thought, it was yesterday?

THE CAT:
I dont know if Im coming its a long story go ahead and start without me

This email is an example of abuse by neglect and yes it is horrifically painful for me to type

I think Pilz is out of town
Brian your email was mirthfully ironic kudos

THE CAJUN:
Well, I’m not “sure” if quotation “marks” count as “punctuation” but I would just “love” to meet y’all for “lunch” at the “dining common”. I’ll “be” there.

“Michael” J Huguet
Facilities Distribution
“Deputy Chief” Mover of “Stuff”

BUDA:
prepositions are fun to end sentences with. they make me to laugh all over inside. thats what Im talking about. Lunch at 12 is where its at.

EMILY:
im’ looking forward to the “beef” tacos for “lunch”

mike we all, know about the “stuff” you distribute and are all, appropriately suspicious

June 15. Subject: lunch?

EMILY
Alas, I am meeting with Mel to discuss a project, so we will probably not be very social today.

THE CAT
That’s OK. Have fun discussing your “project.” Hope it’s legal. (I don’t even wanna know.)

EMILY
Our “project” is quite “legal” … mostly, anyway. =P

June 24. Subject: lunch at 12:10
EMILY
you opened this thinking I would have something funny or pertinent to
say here.

well, I don’t

sorry.

THE CAT:
You know us too well.

BUDA:
I’ll be there

DELETED!!

June 25. Subject: lunch at 12:10

EMILY
Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!

THE CAT
Holy Corned Beef Hash, Batman! Mac n Cheese Man is gaining on us!

Pow! Yaz! Zonk! Biff!

June 30. Subject: Luncheon

BUDA
at 12:10ish?

EMILY
Forsooth!
Yea, verily, and how joyously we shall dine on patties of poultry!

THE CAT
word up, yo

THE CAJUN
“So munch on, crunch on, take your nuncheon,
“`Breakfast, supper, dinner, luncheon!’

…but hopefully this will end better than the Pied Piper

EMILY
If a chicken patty gets up and starts playing the pipe, don’t follow

BUDA:
do we really have a say in the matter?

Some of the most memorable books of my childhood were from Louis Sachar’s Sideways Stories from Wayside School series. To this day, I still laugh when I think of characters like Benjamin Nushmutt, who for some reason everyone called Mark Miller. Poor Benjamin spent the entire school year trying to work up the courage to tell his teacher his real name.

The teacher in these books, Mrs. Jewls, had one thing that she hated above everything else: dead rats. For that reason, dead rats were always trying to sneak into her classroom. Sometimes they would be really obvious, like when they crawled into one of her desk drawers. She would scream until the dead rat would get up and scurry away.

Other times the dead rats were much sneakier. One smelly rainy day, a new student named Sammy arrived. He had layers and layers of rain gear on. As the class peeled away the layers of raincoats and sweaters, Sammy got smellier and smaller and hurled insults at everyone. Finally they got to the last layer, they found he wasn’t a kid at all. He was a sneaky dead rat.

I see spammers kind of like sneaky dead rats. They aren’t technically real people, but they disguise themselves and are always trying to sneak into my comments section.

(OK, a note here: I know there are spam filters out there, and I’m working on getting one. I just have hesitated because often the filters require the user to interpret a visual captcha—those funny-shaped words that can’t be read by a computer. This essentially bars my visually impaired friends from posting comments, which isn’t very fun. Hence the hesitation to get a filter, and hence the sneaky dead rats.)

Sometimes spammers are very obvious, such as the collection of random letters with the word “casino” sprinkled throughout. Uh, no.

Deleted!

Other times spammers are like Sammy—disguised as real people, but something smells funny.

For example, one mysterious reader left this comment: “I have been wondering about this topic, so thanks for posting.”

Really. You’ve been sitting around wondering what I would name a Celtic Ukulele band? I doubt that. Deleted!

Someone else had been wondering long and hard about the topic of buying 25 bottles of bubble bath at Walmart. Good thing I decided to write about that, huh?

A third found my post about haggis really deep and thought-provoking. (His user name also had the name of some weight loss drug in it—no, not suspicious at all.)

And then there was the one who told me: “In my opinion you are mistaken. Let’s discuss.” I’m confused. Which part of my hot air balloon adventure was it I am mistaken about? The part in which I said I had fun? Or the part about being scared? Maybe it was the part about drinking Krispy Kreme coffee. No, for real–what is there to be mistaken about??

I’m onto you, you sneaky spammers!! You aren’t people at all! You just want me to click on your email address so you can suck out my soul and spam me ‘til 2023!! Well, I’m not falling for it. *witherow goes on a DELETING RAMPAGE!!* Bwa-ha-hahahahahaha!!!

Boy, that felt good. I can hardly wait to see the collection of ludicrous comments that awaits.

Back around Christmas my mom found a Scottish cookbook from 1974 in which the author talks about some of the country dishes of her childhood. In honor of the Greater Greenville Scottish Games and Highland Festival, I thought I would share some of what I found with you.

A disclaimer: I’m not particularly trying to pick on Scottish people. I kind of admire the ruggedness and resourcefulness of people who could make a meal out of anything … even a sheep’s head. Besides, I could go on and on about some of the more disgusting delicacies of the American diet (like fair food or those individually wrapped slices of American cheese, or more accurately, “pasteurized prepared cheese product” because I guess they can’t legally call it cheese. Yuck!!).

Here are some of the things I found:

• Herring and Oatmeal Pie — yum
• Sheep’s Head Broth –yeah, the directions for this one are a little gross.
• Hairy Tatties – “tatties” is what they call potatoes. I’m not sure where the hairy part comes in but this recipe involves cod. Um … hairy fish?
• Baked Fish Pudding
• Haggis – I thought, OK, honestly, this can’t be so bad as everyone says. So I started reading the directions, and the first one is “To make a haggis, you will need the stomach bag of a sheep.” And I stopped reading.
• Bashed Neeps
• Tipsy Laird – a dessert that involves brandy
• Rumbledethumps – which would be an awesome name for a band.

The Post in which Witherow describes her GRANDEST ADVENTURE YET, in which she sat UNSECURED in a wicker basket 1600 feet above the Ground, felt STARK TERROR, sustained an INJURY and ALMOST DIED.

OK, OK, that is slightly exaggerated. It wasn’t quite stark terror … more like a stiff nervousness. And the only injury I received was a broken nail when we landed. And I was far from almost dying. However, this much is true: I did sit in a wicker basket 1600 feet above the ground, and it was indeed my grandest adventure yet!

If you’ve ever wondered what it is like to fly in a hot air balloon, here is a step-by-step process:

1.    Have a friend who convinces you to try things that both interest and terrify you. That would be my friend Christy. Last May, she convinced me to go to Freedom Weekend Aloft, a local hot air balloon festival (that’s where I was first introduced to deep-fried Oreos). It was there that we decided to save up our money and take a flight a year later—meaning this past Saturday. She had to talk me into it again.

2.    Get in touch with pilots who actually know what they’re doing!! We went with Skyscapes of America, a local company with lots of experience. Plus they’re really nice people.

3.    Schedule a flight. It will have to be around sunrise or sunset, because hot air ballooning relies completely on air masses and wind currents and such. (You can’t actually steer a balloon—you have to rely on the wind). We chose sunrise.

4.    If the balloon launch field is far away, get in the car around 5 a.m. and start driving. Look for a coffee place that’s open and be bitterly disappointed, because right when you need them the most, they aren’t there for you. Alas.

5.    Find yourself buying coffee at a Krispy Kreme drive-thru at 5:30 a.m. and actually be excited about this.

6.    Get to the launch field at 6:30. Meet the people you will be riding with, including a lady who is going hot air ballooning for her 80th birthday. Hope that you will be that cool when you are 80.

7.    Learn all sorts of cool things about how to test the wind, how to select a landing place, etc. I won’t take the time to explain it all here; if you really want to know, go to HowStuffWorks.com. It really is fascinating.

8.    Marvel at how huge the balloon actually is. Uninflated, it stretches 60 feet from top to bottom.

9.    Help the crew inflate it with a giant fan. Then they’ll start to heat the air with the propane burners attached to the basket. The balloon will start to rise.

10.    Climb into the basket. The balloon will start to float, but you won’t feel a thing. In fact, the only way you can tell you are rising above the earth is the fact that the ground crew is getting smaller—and the ground itself, for that matter. Because a balloon moves with the wind, you don’t feel a rush of air or anything … it’s kind of surreal.

11.    Continue to rise. Get used to the sound of dozens of barking dogs. They’re all barking at you. (Apparently they can hear the propane burner thousands of feet away)

A second balloon also took off with us. The body of water beneath us is Lake Hartwell.

12.    Marvel at how tiny everything looks! Grand estates with huge yards look pitiful. The interstate looks like a tiny line, though you can still see trucks and cars rushing by. Realize you’ll never look at things the same way now that you’re up 1600 feet.
13.    Realize that you are up 1600 feet. In a basket. That kind of wobbles when people shift around. And you aren’t even wearing a seatbelt. Be the first person to sit down.
14.    Realize that even if you announced “I would like to get off now,” you can’t. So keep your mouth shut, look OUT at the scenery and not DOWN, and don’t think about how high you are. Just enjoy the view. After all, it’s gorgeous.

15.    Snap some photos. (Later when you look at the photos from the comfort of your own home, you will feel slightly queasy again.) Master the art of snapping photos while keeping your hands completely inside the basket because by now you have developed an irrational fear of letting any part of your body, even your hand, dangle over the edge. Meanwhile, be appalled—absolutely appalled—that your friend Christy is not only still standing, but leaning over the edge of the basket. LEANING OVER THE EDGE! And text-messaging Rachel, as though this is no big deal.

16.    Take a photo of yourself looking much calmer than you feel. The only reason for taking the photo is to show off to your coworkers—the fellow members of the People’s Republic of Creative Services—that you are wearing your TAG t-shirt. At 1600 feet. Wonder if it will compare to Susanna wearing her TAG t-shirt at the Great Wall of China.
17.    Listen as the pilot predicts what field he will land in and maneuvers the balloon by riding wind currents. It’s pretty cool. He’ll tell you to stand up for when you land.
18.    Finally stand up as you are getting closer to the ground. See the tops of trees move below you. See cows in neighboring fields. Now that you are not so unfathomably high up, it’s starting to get really fun. You really feel like you are flying.
19.    Realize the pilot wasn’t kidding when he said the landing would be bumpy. You didn’t feel like you were moving this whole ride, but once you come in contact with the ground, which really, truly isn’t moving, the difference is jarring. Hit the ground several times—jarring each time—as you bounce along the ground.
20.    Get out of the basket and meet up with the chase crew that has been following you with the balloon trailer the whole time. Help pack up the balloon. Squeeze it into a bag about the size of a bean bag chair.
21.    Cross hot air ballooning off your List of Things To Do in Life!! Also scratch parasailing, hang gliding, and sky diving completely out. You simply aren’t cut out for such things.
22.    All the same, have great memories of the experience and wonder what your next Grand Adventure will be!

So my sister and our roommate decided to watch the film Twilight (you know, the one about love and vampires. Yes, love and vampires). I threatened to mock it mercilessly as it played, then at their request promised them I wouldn’t. Well, it’s over now, so let the mockery commence!!

For those of you who have heard about this Twilight and perhaps have wondered about it, but don’t actually want to sit through it (not that I can blame you), here’s the ultra-condensed version:

Bella moves to new school and attains instant popularity.

SEVERAL CUTE GUYS
Can I go out with you?

BELLA
I hate my life and I am so miserable here.

ME:
Wait—what?

Bella meets a creepy guy named Edward who is her biology lab partner. They talk about the weather and cell phases, but the whole time they look like they are desperate to start smooching right then and there, and it is CREEPY.

ME:
Um, ew.

EDWARD
You need to stay away from me.

Edward saves Bella’s life several times.

BELLA
You wouldn’t happen to be a vampire, would you?

EDWARD
Why, yes, in fact I am. And I would like nothing more than to drink your blood right now. But if I muster up all my self-control and stay far away from you, I might be able to stop myself.

BELLA
In that case, let’s spend every waking hour together!

ME:
Ummmm …

EDWARD
Come meet my family.

EDWARD’S FAMILY
You smell delicious, Bella. We’ll try not to eat you, but we can’t make any promises.

Several vampires almost eat Bella, including Edward. In the end, Bella and Edward go to the prom.

BELLA
Make me into a vampire so I can live with you forever, Edward!!!!

EDWARD
No.

BELLA
Just you wait. There are still more movies.

Creepy credits begin, including several shots of people being either kissed or bitten by vampires … it’s kind of hard to tell. But that’s kind of the point anyway.

Blech ew yuck!!
This movie combines paranormal weirdness with a view of love that is completely based in the physical. I mean, Edward is over 100 years old, reads a ton of books and never sleeps. But she falls madly in love with him when they are talking about cell phases? What happens when the local neighborhood werewolf starts speaking lovely lines about osmosis??

My recommendation … you need an antidote. Go wash all those icky teen hormones off with a true love story, one about beautiful minds and selflessness and self-control. Go read Cyrano de Bergerac.