So my sister and our roommate decided to watch the film Twilight (you know, the one about love and vampires. Yes, love and vampires). I threatened to mock it mercilessly as it played, then at their request promised them I wouldn’t. Well, it’s over now, so let the mockery commence!!
For those of you who have heard about this Twilight and perhaps have wondered about it, but don’t actually want to sit through it (not that I can blame you), here’s the ultra-condensed version:
Bella moves to new school and attains instant popularity.
SEVERAL CUTE GUYS
Can I go out with you?
BELLA
I hate my life and I am so miserable here.
ME:
Wait—what?
Bella meets a creepy guy named Edward who is her biology lab partner. They talk about the weather and cell phases, but the whole time they look like they are desperate to start smooching right then and there, and it is CREEPY.
ME:
Um, ew.
EDWARD
You need to stay away from me.
Edward saves Bella’s life several times.
BELLA
You wouldn’t happen to be a vampire, would you?
EDWARD
Why, yes, in fact I am. And I would like nothing more than to drink your blood right now. But if I muster up all my self-control and stay far away from you, I might be able to stop myself.
BELLA
In that case, let’s spend every waking hour together!
ME:
Ummmm …
EDWARD
Come meet my family.
EDWARD’S FAMILY
You smell delicious, Bella. We’ll try not to eat you, but we can’t make any promises.
Several vampires almost eat Bella, including Edward. In the end, Bella and Edward go to the prom.
BELLA
Make me into a vampire so I can live with you forever, Edward!!!!
EDWARD
No.
BELLA
Just you wait. There are still more movies.
Creepy credits begin, including several shots of people being either kissed or bitten by vampires … it’s kind of hard to tell. But that’s kind of the point anyway.
Blech ew yuck!!
This movie combines paranormal weirdness with a view of love that is completely based in the physical. I mean, Edward is over 100 years old, reads a ton of books and never sleeps. But she falls madly in love with him when they are talking about cell phases? What happens when the local neighborhood werewolf starts speaking lovely lines about osmosis??
My recommendation … you need an antidote. Go wash all those icky teen hormones off with a true love story, one about beautiful minds and selflessness and self-control. Go read Cyrano de Bergerac.
May 14th, 2009 - 6:39 am
i have been hearing about it from page who has read the book and LOVED it. i was thinking “vampires and love? yuck!” myself and i didn’t think i would like it. thank you for the review … it helps me prepare for my refusal to read the book or see the movie speech.
May 14th, 2009 - 8:06 am
To be fair, a lot of people I respect like the books (which I have not read but heard much about). But … I’m still not interested in bleeding-heart-teen-love-paranormal sentamentalism, even though I read a good bit of fantasy.
May 14th, 2009 - 7:01 pm
Amazing! Not clear for me, how offen you updating your pumpkinankles.com.
Thank you
May 14th, 2009 - 9:17 pm
Thank you, Robor, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I don’t update on a strict schedule–I update when I am not too busy or not too lazy ^_^ I would like to update every two weeks if I can.
May 18th, 2009 - 5:31 pm
I’ve never read/seen them either, but if this dude is 100+ years old, why is he in HS biology??
I like your new site, Friend Emily!
May 18th, 2009 - 9:29 pm
Because if you’re undead and destined to live for eternity, it’s only logical that you move into town and attend the local high school. Duh!
Thanks, Friend Heather!
June 1st, 2009 - 9:58 pm
Hi, cool post. I have been wondering about this topic,so thanks for writing.
November 17th, 2009 - 12:04 am
[...] Effron stars in a film that is nothing like anything you’ve seen before, no, like for real, it’s totally [...]
November 28th, 2009 - 7:04 pm
This is real good, if you know what I mean! Nice breakdown.