Pumpkins Don’t Have Ankles

The best part is, I didn’t even make that title up. It’s a part of traditional Irish folklore, as my friend Christin shared with me earlier this week. (She’s also the one who first showed me the Irish Dirt website.) Here’s part of our instant message conversation:

CHRISTIN:

I just came across another great piece of folklore—the “Salmon of Knowledge”

ME:

lol

CHRISTIN:

“Long ago there was a famous salmon. Its skin shone like silver. The fish was called the Salmon of Knowledge. An old poet Finnegas said that the first person to taste it would see into the future.”

ME:

Oh my word. the Salmon of Knowledge. BRILLIANT. please send a link

CHRISTIN:

It’s on this page: http://www.squidoo.com/Irish-Myths-And-Legends

ME:

what I love is that it doesn’t even try to explain WHY there is a Salmon of Knowledge or HOW the poet knew it would give these powers. It just assumes this is normal. hahaha

CHRISTIN:

Are there multiple types of fish that have these powers? I would like to proclaim that there are Goldfish of Slightly Lesser Wisdom.

ME:

and the Tuna of Gracefulness

CHRISTIN:

YES! Herring of Red Herrings

ME:

haha. The Swordfish of Violence

CHRISTIN:

This is great. It’s almost like a chinese calendar—year of the swordfish of violence!

ME:

HAHA. I was born during the year of the Eel of Sneakiness, so you can’t trust me.

CHRISTIN:

hahaha. We should make a line of cheap placemats for Irish eateries.

ME:

BRILLIANT

Today my friend introduced me to the website officialirishdirt.com.  Yes, take a minute to go back and separate those URL words out. It’s Official Irish Dirt dot com.

What do they sell, you ask?

Why, Irish dirt, of course!

That’s right! For a mere 10 dollars (plus shipping and handling), you can be the proud owner of 1 pound of dirt. But not just any dirt. The site boasts that this is “guaranteed to be Official Irish dirt, right from the ground of County Tipperary.”

I suppose this is kind of like that bottled water that promises it’s from some mountain spring in upper Saskatchewan. Except you can’t drink dirt.

Now I’m as much of a Celtophile as anyone else, but seriously?

My friend and I discussed all the many things you could do with authentic Tipperary dirt. Here’s what we came up with:

• Making things dirty
• Growing shamrocks (the site also sells Official Irish Shamrock Seeds)
• Growing non-shamrocks
• Soiling things
• Blowing $148,000 so that you can build your US home on real Irish soil
• Making … um, other things dirty

Now if the pound of dirt also included a dehydrated leprechaun (just add water for hours of mischievous fun!) then maybe I’d consider. Otherwise, no way. My porch plants will die just as quickly in good old American soil.

No, the title of the post is not the reason that I haven’t posted in so long.  Although it would be more excusable than my long list of non-excuses which I will not even bore you with now. All you need to know is … I’m back, and I’m bigger and badder than ever!! Minus the bigger and badder part.

Some time ago I gave a list of brilliant restaurant ideas that some of my friends and I have come up with. This time I’m going to share some equally brilliant ideas for coffee shops.

The first one is compliments of my friend Catherine. The name of the shop is “Shut Up and Drink Your Coffee.” Except that last word has to have a certain unpleasant nasally twang, so it would be more like “Shaddup and Drink Your Qwoffie.” The main attraction of the shop would be that the wait staff is horrifically rude to you. The coffee would be good, but they would insult everything about you from the time it takes for you to decide on your order to your request for extra sugar. But you’d know it wasn’t anything personal; they’d insult everyone.

And at that point it would be entertaining. In a twisted way. You’d go just to hear what horribly rude and yet hilarious things they’d say about you. It would be funny.

It will catch on. You’ll see.

My own idea for a coffee shop would be a place where the coffee’s really good, but all the employees look just a little bit shady. The men would all have scruffy facial hair and those ankle cuff thingies under their orange jump suits. They’d kind of just grunt at you when they handed you your latte through the drive-through window. The name of the shop?

The “Thug and Mug.” Or even just “Mugged.”

Mmm. Doesn’t that just put you in the mood for some coffee?

Just don’t forget your pepper spray.

An email conversation with me and my apartment-mate after I returned from the dentist.

AMY

hey, em, how did it go? any cavities? Did they say, “oh, do you mind smiling? we need to take your picture for the files …” I hate that. They always take my picture when I look terrible. *sigh* They really need to warm people.

ME

They really need to warm people??

AMY

AHHH! I mean warN. yeah, warn …

ME

I’m having somewhat odd mental images of giant people-warmers

AMY

SNUGGIES!!

ME

I can handle the drills, x-rays, and dental hygienists. But as soon as they bring out giant Snuggies, I’ll be screaming and running out of the room.

AMY

Kind of like one of those scary sci-fi movies.

Well, we’re barely surviving here in frigid Greenville, S.C. We have a few inches of …

… sleet. Yep, not even snow. Either way, the State of South Carolina has been cancelled until further notice.

We’re doing OK. We’ve lit a few candles just in case the power goes out.

But wait ... oh, no! We're out of milk! It’s snowing outside and we don’t have any milk!! All we have is a small jug of half-and-half. How will we make it?

An even if we could brave the roads, there’s no milk to be had. This is what the milk section looked like yesterday at Wal-Mart (photo compliments of David Lovegrove).

It’s a good thing we don’t need bread (photo from the same Wally World).

Things are looking bad. We’re down to the last of our rations … we’re eating canned cranberry sauce just to survive.

We’ve been forced to break into the gingerbread house, for just a little extra sustenance.

Oh, the desolation! Winter, you are so cruel! The official winter storm warning lasts until 6 this evening … will we make it?

Feeling blue because you haven’t kept your New Year’s Resolution to bench press six times your weight, cut out all carbohydrates from your diet or read through all of the writings of James Boswell*??

No worries! In a recent email, my friend Judith explained to me why this isn’t a problem:

ME:

I hear from a marginally reliable source that you have NOT kept your  New Year’s Resolution to be nicer to your brother. Consider yourself sternly reprimanded.

JUDITH:

here’s the thing with the resolution. You know how you can return stuff to a store? Well, January is the time of modifying and  changing resolutions–at least the first half of the month.  Therefore, I have not necessarily broken any such resolution. Ha!

It may not be the BEST excuse, but it is an excuse nonetheless. Thanks, Judith! I’m going to go eat some pie now and not even feel bad.

*Please note that all of the above examples are humorous yet extremely hazardous. Do NOT attempt.

Another lunchtime email–this one from last week when there was talk of snow.

Subject Line: Impending doom*

EMILY

Anyone luncheoning on this day of impending doom*?
Noon at the DC if you are brave enough.
*please note that in the Southern context, “doom” is pretty synonymous
with “any chance of snow.”

BRIAN:

I brought lunch with me since I could not bring myself to brave the dangerous streets of Greenville. Not that I would need to drive anywhere since everything is CLOSED whenever there is a chance of snow.

EMILY

you’re having bread and milk for lunch, aren’t you?

L:

Lol! It might snow – quick, buy bread & milk! So true.

BRIAN:

the milk was sold out this morning. What will we do?

EMILY:

Panic. Or buy eggs.

I’ve seen this Facebook app that will collect all of your statuses for the year and put them together. That got me thinking …

Here are some (definitely not all) of my Facebook status updates for 2009, with a few funny comments included too. I learned some things about myself in the process of putting them together. Like that I have a strange fascination with Turkish Delight and Mongolian Throat Singing. Oh, well.

Enjoy!

JANUARY

Emily …

• helps Molly and Moses plan their wedding … they really liked the idea of incorporating ninjas …
• The diagnosis from the IT guy regarding my poor Macbook is grim. Well, pretty grim. Grim-ish?
• is glad Sebastian the Mac has returned to her. Except he’s had his memory wiped, so he won’t even recognize her. sniff sniff.

FEBRUARY

• listening to Patrick Cassidy’s “Deirdre of the Sorrows.” Good music based on a bizarre medieval Celtic tale of woe and destruction–what can beat that?
• spent an evening Brailling and arpeggiating.
• just came back from an awesome murder mystery dinner held in a castle. Yes, be jealous
• loves her family and wants to keep them forever and ever.

MARCH

• Lo, it snoweth
• went gorging in Georgia with Tallulah. Wait, I mean I went to Tallulah Gorge in Georgia. I need sleep
• I’m cooler online

APRIL

• oh, the pollen … *sneeze hack die*
• is about to give herself a pedicure. I’ve never done it before, so hopefully I’ll come out of it with all of my toes.
• seems to have a magnetic attraction to tossed bridal bouquets … I didn’t even try last night–it fell into my hand. Third time’s the charm??
  • Dawn K:  Oh, my! Do you mean third time could bring prince “charm” ing
  • Me: he just better not be wearing tights like in the Disney movies …
• lo, I writeth. And baketh a pieth.
• The oak pollen is finally going away! *Emily comes out of hiding*

MAY

• my gerbils keep burying their exercise wheel instead of running on it … I’m going to have some obese rodents on my hands!
  • Kristen A: I think they’re trying to make a point. :0) Perhaps cardio isn’t their thing. Have you thought about signing them up for yogilates?
  • Me: I shall purchase little yoga mats for them and see how they do.
• needs new shoes, but just isn’t motivated to go buy them. Maybe I should just throw all my old shoes away. That way I’ll be forced to go replace them … or go to the office barefoot.
• We’re having quite the storm here! I hope that huge crash was another clap of thunder and not a tree falling or something exploding. (the likelihood of something exploding is pretty slim, but as long as it’s not my car it would be cool)
• spent the morning at 1,600 feet in a hot air balloon! And I wasn’t scared at all! (no, wait, that’s a lie. But it wasn’t too scary, as long as I looked OUT at the scenery and not DOWN)

JUNE

• reads Smithsonian magazine and eats Vegan chocolate-banana cupcakes while waiting for her fever to go away.
• “Why is it…while other people are thinking about all kinds of important things…I am thinking about what it would be like to jump barefoot into an open box of jelly doughnuts?” -James Stevenson

JULY

• Day off from work + upcoming vacation + trip to Dunkin’ Donuts = THE BEST DAY EVER!!
• went to the beach, saw a wild alligator, bought a rock, got a book of Celtic verse, ate at the Grumpy Grouper Grille, and got sand in my pants. not a bad trip!
  • Becky: long live the sand in your pants!
  • Megan C: as long as you didn’t see a wild rock and buy an alligator.
• Molly, you have me thinking … what WOULD it be like to be set in orange Jell-O?
• honestly, Becky, everyone knows that slugs don’t have noses!
• was kind of insulted today when her roommate and roommate’s twin watched her eat her ethnic food like it was a freak show or something … I ask you, what’s so weird about eating baked beans on toast??
• has been thinking about how He says “Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.” (psalm 81:10). That implies a more gutsy faith that’s not afraid to ask hard questions …
• watching Ratatouille after making ratatouille and eating ratatouille.
• I used to have really long hair, but then when I got into all those swashbuckling sword fights it kept blowing in my face. That’s why I cut it. Just in case anyone was wondering.

AUGUST

• I just watched “I want tomorrow,” an old music video in which Enya lights a car on fire. Um … 1986 was a strange year.
• sat down to do some writing. Somehow I ended up watching YouTube videos of Mongolian Throat Singing. Oh well.
• had a great time talking with a great friend … and subjecting said friend to videos of Mongolian Throat Singing. (Now if that isn’t a real friend, who is??)
• is reading Ray Blackston’s “Last Mango in Texas”
• “If you want to know the moral of this song: 50 million little monkeys can’t be wrong!”
• and her apartment-mate set a world record for fastest shoe shopping, and then celebrated by eating Turkish Delight.

SEPTEMBER

• had an odd dream. Me versus Darth Vader … except he was wearing polka-dotted boxer shorts over his black costume. Though everyone in the room assured me that he was just as menacing as ever, it was kind of hard to take him seriously …
• After trying to name the seven dwarfs, we finally got it figured out: Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sneezy, Creepy, Slurpy and Doc

OCTOBER

• There’s a pumpkin in my living room. His name is Pablo.
• The Internet is a great thing. I can go Christmas shopping while in my fuzzy robe, eating Turkish Delight.
• Though sleeping in my car in 40-degree weather was pretty fabulous, I’m kind of excited about a real bed tonight. Other than that, the Creative Serives camping trip was a blast.

NOVEMBER

• Tonight’s conversation discussed the possibility of the Brave Little Toaster moonlighting as a hitman.
• One day, I am going to be the Crazy Cat Lady that lives at the end of your street. I will have 26 cats and I will dye them mauve. Just you watch.
• Becky and I have hit upon the screenplay that will make our fortune: Pilgrim Zombies. Vampire Banshees. Undying Love. Zac Effron stars in this completely original idea for a film: *DUSK* Coming in 2012! Don’t miss it!
  • Brian B: don’t forget to make the main girl hate everyone around her in her new town…that’ll be completely original!!!
  • Sarah N: To make it really original I think you should throw in a couple of musical dance numbers. They’d fit right in.
  • Me: these are both great points and will be taken into consideration
  • Amy M: i have it…the sequal should be called “old sun.”
• found some Christmas lights with a tag that said August 1984 on them. And we’d been using them, too …
• drew a picture of the Ark of the Covenant on the marker board while teaching Children’s Church. After class, the kids all took turns touching the “ark” and pretending to fall down dead. Not quite the take-away value I had in mind, but as long as they’re learning, I guess …

DECEMBER

• wonders if perhaps there is a badger under her bed. Her sister’s dog certainly seems to think so.
• is sitting in her living room with a fleece jacket on, still cold. I just realized someone switched the heat to “off” … that might explain it! Problem solved.
  • Kristen A: By way of deductive reasoning. Just like Sherlock Holmes!
  • Mike D: I think you should probably have just built a small fire in the middle of your living room on some bricks. That would have solved the problem too.
  • Me: Great idea! I should have taken the Boswell book off the rodent cage and used it as kindling.
  • Bethany L: You must have read all the Nancy Drew and Encyclopedia Brown books when you were a kid.
  • Me: But if I were Nancy Drew, I would have realized too late the heat had been switched off, but I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it because the villain would have locked me up in a box, but one with a small air hole that I could conveniently peek out of. Then Ned the No-Personality-Boyfriend would save the day, handing me the key to the box’s … padlock. Before we would jump in my fancy car and race to the mansion to reveal the villain’s identity to the generous heiress, we would sit by the blazing Boswell fire to warm up.
• Had a dream that Al Gore was having a secret meeting with one of the Copenhagen people in my apartment bathroom. Same old, same old.
• I want a Stegosaurus for Christmas.
  • Mike D: I’m glad you’re not one of those people who are so hard to buy for.
  • Judith D: what did you do with the one you got last year, huh? You broke it. Face it, you just don’t know how to relate to the prehistoric types.
  • Me: did you have to bring that up??
• And then, in between opening presents, drawing faces on oranges and hiding them, doing a jigsaw puzzle, petting the poodles and eating Christmas dinner, they all took NAPS. It was the best Christmas ever. The end. (OK, it doesn’t make for an interesting story, but it was nice

So … my sister Becky and I should not spend too much time together. Especially if we’re both procrastinating and in a particularly sarcastic mood. Here’s just a sampling of some of the conversations we’ve had today:

SNIPPET 1:
BECKY
Are you frying an egg?

EMILY
No, I just got out the pan, the carton of eggs and started heating up the butter for fun.

BECKY
Oh, right.

(a few minutes later)

BECKY
Did you eat the egg?

EMILY
No, I took it off the pan, opened the window, and threw it at passer-bys.

BECKY
I believe the correct plural for that word is passerS-by.

EMILY
Whatever.

SNIPPET 2:
EMILY
Who’s Monday named after? Mars?

BECKY
Mars isn’t a Norse god.

EMILY
Yeah … I know Wednesday is named after Woden, Thursday is named after Thor … wait, didn’t you decide you liked Vidar better than Thor? So we’ll call it Vidarsday instead of Thursday.

BECKY
And then calendar abbreviations would be better because you wouldn’t have two days that begin with T.

EMILY
Brilliant!

SNIPPET 3
EMILY
I’m sorry, I just don’t think there’s such thing as a good demise.

BECKY
No, really, there is. You see, being assassinated quickly would be a good demise. Being cast into a fiery pit of lava death would be a bad demise.

EMILY
You definitely have a point there.

SNIPPET 4
(This one was regarding my little Pilgrim decoration I have in the living room.)

BECKY
I’m going to feed your little Pilgrim to some wild banshees!

EMILY
Why would banshees eat my Pilgrim?

BECKY
They just would! Have you ever conducted an experiment to prove that banshees, if given the chance, wouldn’t eat a Pilgrim?

EMILY
Do you have any proof they would?

BECKY
It’s just logical. Banshees eat stuff. Pilgrims are stuff. Therefore, banshees eat Pilgrims.

EMILY
Since when do Banshees eat stuff? I thought they just wailed.

BECKY
Wait, what?

EMILY
You DO know what a banshee is, right?

BECKY
It’s like … a hyena?

EMILY
Umm …

Once educating Becky on the history and personality traits of banshees, and their important role in Irish ghost stories, we began to see that it was quite unlikely that a banshee would eat a Pilgrim. Unless it were a Vampire Banshee.

And just like that, we had created a new genre of teen horror/romance/chick lit.

We brainstormed some more, and this is what we came up with.

Official artwork:

Trailer script:

Pilgrim Zombies. … Vampire Banshees. … Undying Love.

Zac Effron stars in a film that is nothing like anything you’ve seen before, no, like for real, it’s totally original:

****DUSK****

Coming in 2012! Don’t miss it!

Another chat between me and my friend Mike. Somehow while we were complaining about a particular genre of popular lit, we spontaneously created one. (It was surprisingly easy!)

me
I do NOT like sentimental books about people living on the prairie, which is like 94.3% of Women’s Christian fiction

Mike
94.35% since my new book “Cyclone of Romance”
about Debra, who is hiding her past

me
from Jedidiah

Mike
until the rich, handsome, young cowboy Roger rides into town
then Jed will have to stand up and take notice.
it all ends up ok
Roger ends up with Pauline

me
the sun sets
someone makes a pie

Mike
guns are drawn

me
a quilt is made

Mike
saloons are ambled into
ladies gossip
iced tea is served

me
the heroine talks down the crazed shooter

Mike
church socials are had

me
all her problems disappear when she melts into Jed’s arms

Mike
Oh Jed
Oh Debra

me
(he smells like chickens)

Mike:
Oh Roger
Oh Pauline

me
Oh look at that cyclone

Mike
Oh Cyclone
Oh Disaster
Oh Triumph
Oh Wedding Bells

me
Oh my quilts are soiled
(pesky cyclone)

Mike
The bell was blown out of the steeple
How about a Wedding Train Whistle?

me
They have to use cowbells for the wedding

Mike
Honey, we’re goin’ back East